nails didn’t keep him on the cross; love did. i have to go to bed. work tomorrow. so long and goodnight tumblr. :]
people think it’s so funny to judge you for something your vulnerable about simply just because they haven’t been through the same thing? that’s what really irks me. your not me and you haven’t been through the same thing therefore you have absolutely no right to judge me. i hate that. you try being in a father-daughter relationship with the personna background of it being a secured dads a cop. especially with a father that likes to have power and lots of it. you become very sensitive to your own feelings and people don’t understand that. what makes it even worse is that your own brother is trying to be like him and pulls guilt trips on you because you don’t do enough when your 3 hours away? yeah real unprofessional in my opinion. people don’t know jack squat these days with maturity. especially the people who are older than you. thats just unbelievable. sometimes i think i have had it pretty rough and thats not an understatement. if it wasnt for a drug study i probably would have had a kidney transplant by now but haven’t. heres the thing though: theres a benefit to having it rough; your twice as wise ss the people of your same age. society is ridiculous. i am gonna read now. peoople just irk me sometimes.
bed time for me. work at 530 am. yay! goodnightumblr [for the rare occasions i am on here.] tootles :]
listening to this healing music and reading my bible is peaceful. i think when i was younger i didnt know really how to talk to people because i was dealing with problems people of my age (at the time) had absolute no idea just how they and i could exactly relate to each other. if we could it seemed like it never lasted long. i was always so humble as a kid around other kids my age (at the time). this music is amazing because to me it feels like i am slowly being pulled out of the pit so to speak that i havebeen waiting years to get out of. i think when you constantly are being yanked right back in all the time simply because you feel like noone cares about you because your at a constant battle with doctors and your personal advice guru-its not something i ever wanted to go through. yet i was constantly feeling like i was forced right back in the pit because my childhood with doctors was always so aggressive. i feel like i can finally breathe for once in my life. i dont want to go back in that pit of torture again. thats why i owe my life not to the fake jesus but the real one. john 3:30 he must increase but i must decrease. anyways, i needed to vent. hope its not so hot tomorrow outside. im off to go read. goodnight :]
I am so super excited for my garden to grow! I love to get up each morning and water my flowers before I head out to school. so pretty! :]
well i haven’t written on this blog for a while. Too busy writing papers. you know, i was thinking a couple weeks ago and just about my childhood and about my relationship with my father. i started crying too because after finding out what i found out last week from him; shocked me. my heart is starting to beat harder as i think about it. im 23 years old and until last week when i saw my neurologist little did i know that it wasnt doctors that tried to revive me my first trip to the hospital; it was my dad. infact he told me that he pushed the doctors away so he could be the one to revive me. it makes me cry writing that because for years i didnt believe he loved me because of all of the stress he could tolerate through work. i was the young one so i was always the resort for stress. one of these days i am going to have to finish my testimony. talk about massively long. anyways i am going to read my bible some more and journal before i sleep. goodnight tumblr :]
i guess all those years that whole face north, ass south ordeal when I thought it was my sign to a trigger of a seizure was actually my father prayer for me. When it turns out in reality that all the power went to him. See, theres a difference with a female who has brain damage and one who doesnt I thought it it was of me getting a trigger of a seizure when really it was my love going to waste. The fact of the matter is I have not and DONT plan on messing with anybody. It’s been almost 2 years. it is difficult to be doing a 100 point essay and a 100 point presentation/service learning project. my house is my heart. it’s interesting to find out things you didnt know about yourself when you were younger. all i know is that im holding myself together cause if i wasnt going up, i would get no where. this is not about pleasing doctors or paresnts or whatever. this is about me myself and i. the healthy and right way. if its done alone then i know i got the strenthg to do it alone because i have been single for 23 years. love will find me when its ready. for everybody who wants to make fun of me, enjoy it. all i know is is that i got the strenth to be bullied for so many years and so many procedures. i can do this. no sex. no drugs. no alcohol. straight up.i just know that its jesus who saves. loves. most of all who i want to love and hold at night for him to fall asleep. anyways just wanted to make small talk. back to work.
Thank you jesus christ for waking me up. Butterflies cant see their wings. They cant see how beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that.
Christianity is not about just following rules. It’s about falling in love with the Guy who wrote the rules.
everytime i read this book words of my father speak to me. scrape after scrape. thought after thought. memory after memory. any women who can and will say yes to god is a women who is not afraid to admit her weaknesses. i have a few different weaknesses. i have never had a boyfriend. i am 23 and just learning who christ is. i have a medical condition called tuberous sclerosis complex that is a rare genetic condition that causes growths in the heart, eyes, lungs, brain, liver, kidneys, and on my face. i have had multitude of facial surgeries and 3 kidney surgeries. i also have small tiny patches of my skin that have no pigment and will never get tan. they show up as white spots if i am tan. i have to watch what i eat because if i dont it could contribute to helping the growths grow in my kidneys. i cant drink alcohol (well i can but very little) and i dont do drugs. i consider the doctor, any, that they are the devil. prior to where im at now, i was in a nursing assistant school but didnt last because i found out i had to have two kidney surgeries. i also had a job but had to resign from that because of the surgeries. i am the baby to a family of four. all of us are in criminal justice. thats how my parents initially met. in the last few paages of this book, it describes being “radically obedient” to god. the first vision i got when i read that was hiking in the grand canyon on a path that is probably no wider than your leg at some points of it. i climbed halfway down the grand canyon and i climbed out of it. Although it may not matter now, I want to thank “my ex” from the bottom of my heart because unlike me, he has experience in relationships and I do not. Although, what I have experience in such as things outside of sex like rock climbing or things like that he may not have experience in. Regardless, either way, I just want to thank him from the bottom of my heart if he reads this. I have not ever had chances where I could speak with initiative. For it was honestly not all of me that what killed everything in the first place. IT was finding out that I had to have 2 kidney surgeries; one right after the other that what killed it followed with having to move.
Thank you and God Bless, you know who you are for helping me back up.
i am reading some amazing christianity books. i saw an interesting post and it was christianity is about falling in love with the boy who made the rules. now that makes sense. i just do not like waking up in the middle of the night having a seizure and have him on my mind and be deathly afraid of everything around me for 30 seconds to a minute. i feel like my heart goes hard for that thirty seconds even though it doesnt. :-( epilepsy and all its quirks. anyways goodnight tumblr.
sometimes i think too hard. then it seems like when people read what you say they get this entire misinterpretation of what you mean invthe first place. ive only ever cared about one guy beyond friendship and he doesnt talk to me because of me and the fact i am brain damage from epilepsy. its amazing how far you’ll go for someone and then they get this entire misinterpretation simply because you are extremely shy. i miss him. i like to call it the invisible flame.
